Trying to Conceive Is Destroying Our Relationship. You Are Not the Only Couple Going Through This. Here Is What Helps.

Trying to Conceive Is Destroying Our Relationship. You Are Not the Only Couple Going Through This. Here Is What Helps.

Trying to conceive, and failing to repeatedly, does something to a relationship that few other experiences replicate. It medicalises the most intimate act between two people. It introduces a timed pressure to sex that strips away spontaneity and transforms it into a monthly performance with a monthly verdict. It creates a shared grief that each partner experiences differently and often cannot communicate across. It brings money pressure, time pressure, social pressure from family members asking when the baby is coming, and the quiet, crushing weight of watching other people’s announcements while your own body produces only hope and then its disappearance. The relationship does not break because the people in it are weak. It strains because the situation is genuinely among the hardest things two people can navigate together.

The sex problem — and how to separate it from everything else

For many couples undergoing fertility struggles, the relationship between sex and conception becomes so entangled that desire evaporates entirely. Timed intercourse creates performance anxiety and a sense of mechanical obligation that, over months, can erode the physical dimension of the relationship entirely. The most helpful single intervention is a conscious, agreed separation between fertile-window intercourse and all other intimacy, making an explicit decision together that sex outside the fertile window is entirely for the relationship and has nothing to do with conception. This reestablishes a space where physical closeness is not loaded with outcomes, which is essential for maintaining the intimate foundation of the relationship.

When partners grieve differently — the translation problem

Research consistently shows that men and women in heterosexual couples facing infertility experience distress differently, in timing, in expression, and in coping strategies. Women typically report higher levels of distress and are more likely to seek social support and want to process through conversation. Men are more likely to use problem-focused coping, to appear more composed outwardly, and to experience distress on a delayed timeline relative to the woman’s acute response. These differences are not deficits in either partner. They are differences that require translation across. The woman who reads her partner’s composure as indifference is misinterpreting a different coping style. The man who reads his partner’s sustained grief as an inability to cope is making the same mistake in reverse.

What actually helps the relationship survive and deepen

Couples therapy with a therapist experienced in infertility has strong evidence for protecting relationship quality through fertility treatment. It provides a structured space for the translation work described above. Regular check-ins specifically about the relationship, not about the fertility plan, cycle timing, or medical updates, but about how the two of you are doing as a couple, create a protected space outside the clinical process. Making deliberate effort to do things together that have nothing to do with conception, travel, shared projects, dinners with friends, maintains the identity of the relationship as something larger than a fertility project. And explicitly naming to each other what you appreciate and what you need, rather than waiting for those things to be guessed, is the single most practical communication skill available.