Nobody Actually Plans a Family for the Rational Reasons They Give. The Real Reasons Are Deeper, Older, and More Important

Nobody Actually Plans a Family for the Rational Reasons They Give. The Real Reasons Are Deeper, Older, and More Important.

If you ask a couple why they decided to have children, they will usually give you a set of reasons that are true but incomplete. They wanted a family. They felt ready. They wanted to experience parenthood. They wanted their parents to have grandchildren. These are all genuine motivations. But underneath them, rarely articulated and rarely examined, are older and more fundamental drivers that are closer to the actual truth.

Human beings have children because the deepest instinct of a living organism is the continuation of life. Because the love formed between two people creates an energy that seeks expression in a new life. Because the awareness of one’s own mortality — the knowledge that you will die — generates a need for something that continues beyond your death. Because the human experience, however difficult, is fundamentally worth sharing and perpetuating. These are not rational reasons. They are not the kind of reasons that appear in a pros and cons list. They are the reasons that underlie every family ever built in every culture in every period of history. And they are worth examining — because the person who understands why they are doing the most important thing in their life is better equipped to do it well.

The family as the answer to mortality

Ernest Becker, in his profound work on human psychology, argued that most of what human beings do is an attempt to manage the terror of mortality — the knowledge that we will die. Families are one of the most effective responses to this terror that human culture has developed. Not because children make us immortal in any literal sense. But because the love we invest in our children, the values we transmit, the memories we create, the persons we help to form — all of these continue after our death in the lives of the people we loved. A parent who has raised a child with love and care has done something that persists beyond their individual existence. This is the closest thing to genuine immortality that most human beings will ever achieve.